Bad Case of God

by TestTubeBaby

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Mirror Music 04:31
Knee Rod 05:13
Myron Stout 07:21
Relax 05:24
Diary 10:59
Spring 04:55
Newyearsong 05:41
Ding 03:08
Ovulation 04:04
Chairman 07:49


After the second of what could be called my “major mental breakdowns” (the first in 1988, this one in 1991), I decided what I really needed was a new, relatively top-of-the-line musical keyboard. That, I thought, would make new achievements in my musical/art “career” possible. And eventually I’d be able to quit my job as an executive assistant and be invited to collaborate with artists around the world!

Not only did I not have any money, but I was in debt, and only slowly working my way out of it. So, I went to my mom, who wasn’t completely against the idea of loaning me the money to buy a keyboard (she too thought I had a lot of untapped “potential”). She, however, said she didn’t want to loan me money for a keyboard if it was just going to allow me to use more of my salary on drugs. My answer: “I’m asking for a loan… you can give it to me or not.” She did. (I was also stealing from her… but that’s another story.)

The album Me torments that love the take will Jesus contains a lot of my early work with this new keyboard (a Roland JV-80), much of which was composed with the keyboard hooked up to my Alesis MMT-8 MIDI Controller. Late in the development of that album, I purchased my first computer-based MIDI program (Cakewalk), which started to allow me to create less-repetitive, more-rambling instrumental compositions.

Around the time I transitioned from the MMT-8 to Cakewalk, I also transitioned from writing daily letters to distant people (in Colorado and Massachusetts and Helsinki… most of whom had told me they’d stopped reading my missives a long time ago) to keeping a journal. Perhaps, like switching to Cakewalk enabled my music to evolve over a longer (even indeterminate) period of time, keeping a journal instead of writing daily letters allowed me to likewise stretch my thoughts out as much as I liked. Perhaps, like the people I had been writing to, I became bored with the repetitive and predictable behaviours, preoccupations and disappointments I found myself detailing.

Whether switching from the MMT-8 to Cakewalk and from letter to journal writing had anything to do with it… my life took a big turn (which might be easiest to characterize as my starting to attend 12-step meetings, but characterizing it as such might imply that my experience was like others’ experiences with joining 12-step meetings…). Over 1994 and 1995, I wrote thousands of pages of journal, along with writing songs (many contained on I’m a little flower and Is he I she), I also composed a lot of instrumental music, compiled on this album.


released April 15, 1995


all rights reserved



TestTubeBaby Vancouver, British Columbia

Just walked
On a long slab of concrete
Probably hundreds of metric tons
To the store
Thinking about the similarities
And differences
Between me and a squirrel

All proceeds from sales are donated to Matsqui-Abbotsford Impact Society.
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